Donald Trump is finally getting the one thing he’s always wanted for his birthday—a military parade, with tanks and troops and all the bells and ballistic whistles.
June 14. Not only is it Flag Day, but it’s also Trump’s birthday, which is fitting because the flag might belong to all of us, but the parade? That’s all his.
This ain’t about patriotism. It’s about pageantry. It’s the political equivalent of a middle-aged man buying a red convertible and blasting Lee Greenwood to remind himself he’s still got it.
Let’s rewind a beat: back in 2017, right after he stumbled into the presidency, Trump tried to get tanks rolling down Pennsylvania Avenue for his inauguration. The generals, bless ‘em, said, “Uh… maybe not.” Not because the roads couldn’t take the weight—though they couldn’t—but because the optics were more Pyongyang than Philadelphia.
But now he’s back at it. This time with a $90 million price tag, real troops, real tanks, and a birthday boy smile stretching from Mar-a-Lago to Moscow.
Let’s be clear, folks—military parades on a president’s birthday? That’s not tradition. That’s textbook despot dress-up.
Here’s a fun little history lesson:
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Hitler had birthday parades.
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Stalin had birthday parades.
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Saddam had birthday parades.
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Kim Jong-Whichever-One still throws ‘em every time the wind changes.
And now Donny wants his.
Meanwhile, he’s cutting federal workers, dismantling watchdog agencies, and chopping up the VA like it’s a block of cheese. But sure—let’s roll the tanks for Donny’s big day. Priorities, right?
And here’s the real kicker: the troops marching in this parade? They don’t swear allegiance to a president. They swear to the Constitution. That old, dusty document Trump treats like a rental car agreement—something to ignore until the charges show up.
Oh, and that $90 million? That could’ve gone to veterans’ healthcare, mental health programs, military family housing, or literally anything besides goose-stepping across the Mall in celebration of one man’s ego.
But nah. Trump needs his birthday party. And apparently, it comes with tanks.
If he wants a parade, fine. Put him on a float next to the Shriner clowns and a 4-H tractor, let him wave his little MAGA hat, and toss cheeseburgers into the crowd. But keep the tanks off the streets and the troops out of his birthday fantasy.
Because this isn’t North Korea. And no matter how much he pouts, it never will be.