The image says it all: a U.S. Navy jet firing a missile at Santa’s sleigh, because apparently Christmas failed a compliance review.
According to officials, Santa was flagged for carrying contraband toys, dodging tariffs, and operating an unregistered international supply chain powered by undocumented labor and flying mammals. NORAD tracked him, the Navy locked on, and somewhere in the Pentagon a JAG lawyer whispered, “Well… technically.”
Santa’s real mistake wasn’t crossing airspace. America forgives that all the time. His mistake was avoiding tariffs.
Turns out every doll, truck, and stuffed animal in that sleigh represented lost revenue. The missile was purely symbolic, of course — a visual reminder that free trade ends where Christmas begins.
The elves didn’t fare as well.
Homeland Security Secretary Kristi Noem personally handled the deportations, because nothing says “strong leadership” like cuffing fantasy creatures for a photo op. The elves were put on a plane to Uganda, where officials say they are already organizing, unionizing, and building handcrafted toys with far fewer regulations and much better coffee.
Customs seized the coal — unpaid duties — which means naughty children received neither punishment nor joy, just a lesson in trade policy.
As for Santa, he escaped, lighter by several tariffs and most of his workforce, now fully aware that magic may get you across the North Pole but it won’t get you past Customs.
The Pentagon insists the image is not real, the missile is hypothetical, and Christmas remains safe — just smaller, more expensive, and wrapped in paperwork.
In America, even Santa has to pay his fair share.
Ho ho ho.
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